The Raid 2

(Fred, Jan and Engy are at the name changing office. A secretary who Engy fancies is serving him)

Secretary type: If you sign this form here and fill in the form attatched..

Engy: (muttering under breath) I'd do it better with your help at my appartment.

Secretary: Really? What time shall I come and what's your address?

Jan: Oi, bitch, just get on with it.

Engy: Shuttup Jan. (Engy signs form)

Jan: Lets see

Secretary: Changing your name to Brick, I see.

Brick: Yes.

Fred: This is silly now, I'm off to post some letters.

Brick: What's wrong with Brick? I mean it describes my ways and..

Jan: Your intelligence.

Secretary: (taking off her glasses and letting down her hair) I think brick is nice. It's so sexy.

Jan: Do your job!

Secretary: Shuttup you boring fart!

Jan: I'm a boring far eh? Well eat some of this! Jan whips out her M2020)

Brick: Look, stop both of you. (Brick pulls Jan out through the door.) Bye Soozy!

(Jan puts M2020 back in its holster under her overcoat and mumbles under her breath)
(They catch up with Fred and walk out into the street)

Fred: You weren't jealous in there were you?

Jan: Of course bloody not. Just wanted it over and done with.

Brick: I've changed my mind. I want to be Engle again. Let's go back back in.

(Fred and Jan groan in unison)

Secretary: Nice to see you again Brick.

Brick: Hi Soozy! Can I change my name back?

Secretary: Sure Engy. (She rips up form) Now what time was it again?

Jan: I'm gonna be sick!

Engy: Belt up, Jan! It's 7:30. Wear that stuff I got you the other day will you?

Soozy: Sure!

Jan: Bleaargh!

Fred: Wait! What was that?

Jan: Eh?

(Everyone freezes, listening out. A growl emits from under Soozy's desk)

Soozy: Erm... (she stumbles out of her chair and backs off)

Fred: That noise sounds familiar.

(Noise issues again, and he draws his pistol)

Jan: Sounds like one of dem....

(noise is louder and she whips out her M2020)

(The noise is stopped, the desk topples over and Hoody stands up)

Hoody: Hi fans, hi Engle, only me.

(Sounds of pistol and M2020 firing repeatedly)

(Smoke clears)

Hoody: You basts! You ripped my cloak to shreds!

Jan: Ooops. Sorry Hoody.

Engle: Hi Dad.

Hoody: You, Engy. What's happening?

Engle: Well I'm getting my name changed back from Brick to Englebert. Why did you call me that?

Hoody: First word you said so that's how it came about.

Jan: Look, I've had a hard day, I've had no breakfast, I've been trailing around town with a kid with an identity crisis and I haven't shot at anything yet.

Fred: Look dear, there's a bus load of terrorits..

Jan: Just pretending isn't the same.

Hoody: No, look, its stopped outside a bank. Look they're getting out. They've got shotguns and wearing bandanas.

Jan: Yeaaaaah! (she draws her guns and runs to a strategic position and starts firing at the bus.

Hoody: I was only joking.

Jan: (Turns to Hoody, still firing) How many times have I told you not to joke?

Hoody: Erm none?

Jan: Yes that's right and this is the first time. By the way could you tell me what on earth you are doing here? Shouldn't you be in America carrying out Plan XB12a?

Hoody: Y'wot? Oh dat, yeah well, erm. Gah! I've been found out! Now you will die!

('Hoody' rips off maks to reveal a burnt disgusting face)

'Hoody': Hoo ha ha!

(Jan stops firing at the bus and turns her weapon onto the new enemy, he is ripped to shreds)

Fred: Oh well, come on, are we going home or what?

Engle: Who or what was that?

Jan: Dunno, something like scarface the unkillable. Oh well never mind. Let's do as Fred said.

Engle: Okay. Pity it wasn't dad though.

(They all leave and head home. They arrive to find "?" in the house)

Jan: Coo I can see "?" in the house. Shouldn't he be in America too?

?: My name isn't "?" pillock, it's now Martin.

Fred: You wanta cuppa? (Then whipsering to Jan) He's probably another one of them creatures.

Martin: I heard that. Yes I would and no I'm not. I'm in England because I'm taking down a rather elusive millionair who could be a mass murderer and arms dealer to certain aliens.

Fred: All in a day's work then.

Martin: Where's that cuppa?

Jan: Coming! Oops (Jan drops tea all over Martin)

Mart: Clumsy git.

Jan: Sorry, I tripped over something on the floor (Jan stoops to pick up something green and shiny off the floor, it is faintly humming)

Mart: Quick get rid of it somehow.

(Jan throws it through the window. It contines going till it hits the house opposite. The house glows for a moment and then disappears)

Jan: What was that?

Martin: It looks like one of your mince pies.

Fred: I've got to go and post some letters, bye!

(he slams door)

Engle: I've got a hot date, bye!

(he slams other door)

Jan: You two stop slamming doors and go away.

Fred+Engy: Okay. (They leave)

Mart: Now about this millionaire..

Jan: What about him?

Mart: well I think he has taken possession of Bringanbuy House north of here. I came here to see if I could get yours, Fred's and Engy's help.

Jan: Sure you can. But have you brought your hovercar?

Martin: Of course bloody not, couldn't fit it on the private jet.

Door: Ding Dong

Martin: There's someone at your door.

(Jan walks over and opens front door)

Fred: I forgot my letter bag.

(Jan thrusts it into his hands)

Fred: I said my bag

(There is a muffled explosion outside)

Fred: What was that?

Martin: Sounded like an explosion to me.

(they dive outside to find a large hole in the road and teams of aliens pouring out of it. Cars were thrown all over the road as well, due to the explosion)

Jan: Wow. Time for blastin!

(An absolutely enormous multiheaded alien crawls out of the hole, all armour and claws)

Fred: Can we panic a bit first?

(Be he is talking to himself. The others have run into the secret armoury)

BIT 2

(In the high street, firing at the aliens)

23111OL3E - This bit comes courtesy of Lamia, my cat, walking along the keyboard. -Derek

Citizen: Run to the hills!

Citizen 2: Are you sure that's a good idea? The nearest hill is 100 miles away.

Citizen: Perhaps not.

Alien5003:Growl, you cannot kill me, I am invincible!

Jan + Fred + Engy: (Dakka Dakka, the bullets rebound off him) Coo, you're right.

Alien: Eat this! (a clawed tongue extends from the alien's maw and speeds toward Engy's throat)

Engle: Ooh! (he slices it off with a hacksaw)

Alien: Gaah!

Engle: Chew on this! (He throws a nuclear grenade into the alien's mouth)

Alien: Hmm, it's quite shloopy. A bit salty thou....(KABLOOM)

(The high street is covered in alien remains, houses covered in bits and some only half there, Jan Engle and Fred go down the hole to see if they could find where the aliens came from.)

Fred: Are you sure it's a good idea going down here?

Jan: Yeah, I mean what could happen?

(Fred spots a small green humming thing on the floor)

Fred: Look out! There's another one of your mince pies!

Mince Pie: Phut. (green light flickers out)

Jan: It was a dud.

(They stare into the darkness)

Fred: Bugger, the police are coming, let's scram!

(They run down an alleyway)

Martin: Hi

Engle: Erm we better finish this off quickly, so if one of us does something stupid, we call laugh and then cue credits)

Fred: (Headbutts the wall) Oh I banged my head on the wall. Ouch it really hurt.

Everyone: Har har har bloody har.

Credits: Copyright 1990-91 Us. Based on a hairstyle by Miss Cliff. Original Idea by Duncan Timiney. Totally cocked up by Derek williams. Shredded and thrown in bin by Publishers.

Jan: Hang on, there's a bit more time before that yet. See?

we had discovered there was another page until something else in the book

Fred: Oh yeah.

Engle: What can we do in the time remaining?

Fred: Have a cup of tea?

Cup of tea: Flippin' heck! I'm off!

Fred: Damn. Oh well, I've got my rounds to do. Bye!

Martin: I've got to, agh!

Jan: What?

Martin: Gro Urlgh. (Stomach pulsates)

Jan: Ooh.

Martin: Only kidding, bye!

Jan: Grr Don't ever do that again Martin!

Engle: Now long now Fred before you bang your head on a wall.

Fred: I've changed my mind. I'll walk in to a lampost, say ouch and you laugh, then up come the credits. Here goes. (Bangs head on lamp post) Ouch.

Others: Har bloody har har har

Credits: About bloody time. Right here we go. As before but with this following message:

Copyright US MCXIIXC 1/2

THE END

For now.

Jan: There's a bit more here look.

Fred: Oh let's go home.

Engle: Still going!

Jan: Coo, so it is.

Fred: are we going or what?

From A Book That I Don't Quite Know What To Call So There. Meanders off track in such a lovely way..