ONKAMI WITSARNEMITEA

THE ALMIGHTY, ALL-POWERFUL GOD OF THE POST-APOCALYPTIC SCI-FI "MEDIEVAL FANTASY" WORLD OF UTAWARERUMONO (EARTH, MAYBE? WHO KNOWS). CHECK IT:



HE LIKES TO HULK SMASH, THRASH HIS TAIL AROUND, RIP APART THE OCCASIONAL BIOMECH, AND EAT THE OCCASIONAL PIE (PREFERABLY MADE BY HIS MOST DEVOTED FOLLOWER).

DUE TO RECENT EVENTS, HE HAS NOW BEEN REDUCED TO AN ADORABLY TINY SIZE. SINCE THEN, HE HAS BEEN FORCED TO EVEN MORE ADORABLY RESIDE IN LOTTA'S AFRO. D'AWW.

RELATIONSHIPS

MOST DEVOTED FOLLOWER
LOTTA HART

• MAKES DELICIOUS PIES.
• SO FAR, IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CALLS HIM BY HIS RIGHTFUL TITLE, ONKAMI (EVEN THOUGH THAT'S PROBABLY JUST BECAUSE HIS REAL NAME IS MUCH HARDER TO SPELL/PRONOUNCE), AND IS THE ONLY ONE WHO WILL LISTEN TO HIS LONG-WINDED STORIES.
• IS ALSO NOW HIS TEMPORARY HOME, AT LEAST UNTIL HE RETURNS TO HIS ORIGINAL SIZE.

PART-TIME MASTER?
PRINCESS GAVIN

• MANAGED TO DEFEAT HIM WITH HER FEARSOME BOTTLE (AND ALSO MADE HIS ARM FALL OFF). AS A DIRECT RESULT OF THIS, SHE NOW HAS CONTROL OVER HIM - BUT ONLY ON THE WEEKENDS.

SOME CANON BACKGROUND - AKA, I AM GOING TO SUMMARIZE PRETTY MUCH ALL OF THIS GAME'S BACKSTORY AND YOU ARE GOING TO LISTEN

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING MAY SEEM SOMEWHAT BATSHIT INSANE, BUT ALL OF IT IS TOTALLY WHAT HAPPENS IN UTAWARERUMONO (I'M NOT KIDDING). THEREFORE, SPOILERS & TL;DR ABOUND!!

ONCE UPON A TIME, HE WAS A SUPER-POWERFUL GOD THAT DID SOME REALLY IMPORTANT STUFF, LIKE "PROVIDE THE MISSING LINK BETWEEN APES AND HUMANS" OR WHATEVER. WE'LL NEVER REALLY KNOW, BECAUSE EVENTUALLY PEOPLE FORGOT ALL ABOUT HIM, AND HE TURNED INTO A FOSSIL. :( BUT THEN, AT SOME UNSPECIFIED POINT IN TIME (BUT FAR ENOUGH IN THE FUTURE WHERE IT WAS ACCEPTABLE FOR PEOPLE IN WHITE LABCOATS TO CARRY HANDGUNS), A GROUP OF SCIENTISTS/ARCHAEOLOGISTS/GUYS IN WHITE LABCOATS DUG HIM UP. ONE OF THEM WAS SENSIBLE ENOUGH TO GO "WTF IS THIS SHIT," AND WAS PROMPTLY SHOT BY THE OTHER AND LEFT TO DIE FOR KNOWING TOO MUCH, OOOOOOO~.

THIS COMPLETELY RATIONAL TURN OF EVENTS MAY SEEM IRRELEVANT, BUT WITSARNEMITEA WAS AN OPPORTUNIST, AND (EVEN THOUGH HE WAS STILL A FOSSIL) OFFERED THE DUMBASS DYING MAN LIFE IN EXCHANGE FOR BECOMING HIS AVATAR. NATURALLY, HE AGREED. AND THEN PROMPTLY GOT HIMSELF FROZEN IN A BLOCK OF ICE.

FLASH FORWARD A FEW THOUSAND YEARS, OR HOWEVER LONG IT TOOK HUMANS TO TOTALLY FUCK OVER THE PLANET, AND A NEW GROUP OF SCIENTISTS DUG UP HUMAN-WITSARNEMITEA - WHO HAD CONVENIENTLY LOST ALL HIS MEMORIES (THOUGH MAYBE BEING ENCASED IN A BLOCK OF ICE DOES THAT TO PEOPLE, IDK) - AND CALLED HIM "ICEMAN." THERE THEY DID A LOT OF TESTS AND SCIENCE-Y STUFF TO ICEMAN, AND HE FELL IN LOVE WITH ONE OF THE SCIENTISTS' CREATIONS, A DOG-EARED GIRL HE NAMED MIKOTO. (AND HE ALSO INADVERTANTLY LED AN IMPRESSIONABLE YOUNG GIRL TO BELIEVE HE WAS HER FATHER, THEREBY SETTING UP AN ABANDONMENT COMPLEX THAT WOULD LAST FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS, BUT LET'S NOT GET INTO THAT.)

EVENTUALLY HE MANAGED TO ESCAPE THE LAB WITH MIKOTO TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD (WHICH IS NICE AND VERDANT BUT HUMANS STILL CAN'T SURVIVE OUT THERE, WTF), AND THEY HAD A BABY AND EVERYTHING WAS ALL HAPPINESS AND SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS. UNTIL THE SCIENTISTS CAME AFTER THEM IN GIANT BIOMECHS AND TOOK THEM BACK. AND THEN THEY DISSECTED MIKOTO. AND THEN THEY TOLD ICEMAN ABOUT IT, WHICH GOT HIM SO PISSED OFF THAT HE TURNED BACK INTO GOD!WITSARNEMITEA AND PROCEEDED TO TURN THE REST OF HUMANITY INTO RED JELL-O MONSTERS.

THEN SOME STUFF HAPPENED WHERE HE GOT ALL ANGSTY ABOUT KILLING PEOPLE AND HE SPLIT INTO GOOD!WITS AND EVIL!WITS, WHO FOUGHT FOR A REALLY REALLY LONG TIME WHILE A CIVILIZATION OF ANIMAL-PEOPLE STARTED TO RULE THE WORLD. SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE GOOD!WITS MADE A DEAL WITH YET ANOTHER DOG-EARED GIRL TO SAVE HER SISTER, AND FOR SOME REASON THIS TURNED HIM INTO A HUMAN. AGAIN. AND HE LOST HIS MEMORIES. AGAIN.

THIS IS WHERE THE PLOT OF UTAWARERUMONO ACTUALLY BEGINS, SO I'LL TRY TO REFRAIN FROM TL;DR'ING ANYMORE AND SUM UP LIKE THIS: HUMAN!WITSARNEMITEA MK. II, AKA "HAKUORO," LED A REBELLION, BECAME EMPEROR, FOUGHT A LOT OF WARS, BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE/MONSTERS/BIOMECHS WITH A FAN, WAS GENERALLY BADASS, AND BANGED ALMOST EVERY HEROINE IN THE ENTIRE GAME. NO, REALLY. HE EVEN KNOCKED UP THE TWELVE-YEAR-OLD BLIND KID, WITH THE BLESSING OF HER OLDER BROTHER! WHAT IS UP WITH THAT.

BUT EVENTUALLY HAKUORO/GOOD!WITS BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF/MERGED BACK WITH EVIL!WITS, AND WAS SEALED AWAY FOR GOOD SO THAT HE WOULDN'T CAUSE ANY MORE TROUBLE.

EXCEPT MAYBE NOT FOR GOOD, BECAUSE NOW HE'S ENDED UP IN THE DRESSING ROOM. HMMM.